We'll be back in a moment with Dr. Sandy...
...channel 67's leading authority on sex and weather.
Mom, how are we gonna get money? Dad took his wallet in the shower.
And when we rifled his pants last night, we found a note in his pocket.
It said, "It's in my underwear. I dare you."
Dad's playing hardball. What are we gonna do?
Don't worry about it. That's not his real wallet. This is.
But won't Dad know?
No! I bought a duplicate wallet, and I filled it with xeroxed money.
I figure if your dad's got the gall to buy something without telling us...
...he deserves to go to jail.
And now we're back with Dr. Sandy and viewer mail.
Our first fetter is from Desperate, a.k.a. Peggy Fundy.
She writes, “Lately my husband, we'll call him Sal...
...shows no interest in sex, at least not with me.“
Well, perhaps a change of venue might spice up your sex life.
Have you tried doing it in the living room?
Or the kitchen?
And there's always the bathroom.
Try it, Mrs. Fundy. You'll like it. I did.
Peg, I'm showered and ready to go to work and edge closer to the grave.
- Wish me luck. -Al, take me!
I want to have sex on the kitchen table.
I want to have a meal on the kitchen table.
Learn to live without. I did. Goodbye.
Al, I'm serious. I want sex.
Peg, how long have we been married? 40, 50 years?
- Do we not have two children? -Well, yeah.
Then my job is done.
- Good morning, Al. -Try selling shoes.
Marcie, let me ask you something.
Have you and Steve ever done it in other places?
Like planes, buses, the observation deck of the John Hancock Building?
Sit down.
I'm trying to put some excitement and spontaneity back into our sex life.
Actually, I'm trying to put Al back into our sex life.
Well, let's start with seduction. What's your technique?
Well, what works best...
...is leaving a trail of chocolate bars from the bathroom to the bed.
The trick is to space them out just right so he doesn't eat too much.
Or he'll doze off before he gets to me.
Perfectly normal. Perfectly normal.
But remember, Peggy, men are like little boys.
You have to make sex naughty, filthy and degrading, the way they like it.
And the way we need it.
So whenever I want to put a little more beef in Steve's jerky...
...I take him to this little romantic motel near the airport.
It's called the Hop On Inn.
Isn't it beautiful?
I think I know what's going on here.
The chocolates in the car, the oil on my zipper.
You want sex, don't you?
No. I want a fur coat, but I'll take what's behind zipper number one.
If you scare him like this, he'll never come out.
Look, Al, I want sex. Do you want to be conscious or not?
Come on, honey. We could start with a Jacuzzi.
Peg, I hate Jacuzzis. They shoot air up my butt.
Well, that's a nice change of pace.
Look. They left us a movie, a mood enhancer.
"Filth. "
Sounds pretty romantic. Well, I'm just gonna change.
Okay, Al. Pop in the movie, pop in a breath mint...
...and let's coax the mummy out of his crypt.
I don't want to have sex. You're my wife, for God's sake.
Hasn't having the kids taught you? Nothing good comes of it.
Now, sit down and watch this movie.
Now, isn't this fun?
I didn't know a human leg could do that.
I want that!
And I want that!
And I definitely want that!
You know, that guy looks a little like--
Steve and Marcie!
- That is Steve and Marcie. -Wow! Look at her go.
What pervo would get turned on watching themselves?
Shut up, Al.
No!
I can't believe they taped us.
And on Back to School night.
Steve, I feel so violated.
If we'd known you didn't know, we wouldn't have sprung this on you.
I feel terrible.
Yeah. Laugh, clowns, laugh. But here's a hot flash for you.
If they taped us, they taped you too.
Peg, I told you we should never have sex.
Now everybody's gonna know.
I just know my hair was a mess. And I had on my old nightgown.
- I never look good in pictures. -I know this is off the subject...
...but don't you realize our rights have been violated? We were caught in the act--
Then the ducky said to the frog, "Why is it on the menu?"
No!
TV's for adults.
- Don't you kids have something to do? -I'm just killing time till I'm 18.
I'm helping her count.
Mrs. Rhoades is blushing like a schoolgirl.
You told them!
Everybody knows I'm a porn queen!
Kel, I believe something deeply personal is going on here.
It might be more comfortable for the adults if the children left.
Therefore, I shall open the bidding.
- Five dollars. -I hear 10. Any further bidding?
Perhaps from the little lady with the deep secret?
- Al, can't you get rid of them? -Don't you think I've tried?
All right, you little gangsters. How much are we talking?
Well, 50 bucks hides a lot of shame.
Trust her, she should know.
Kids! Aren't you forgetting something?
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
Al, what are we gonna do?
When the kids go to sleep, I'm looting.
I'm gonna sue these vermin for everything they've got.
I'm a fan of physical violence. What if I go break a back or two?
That way everybody's happy.
Quiet, dear. Steve has a thought on how sex with you can finally be satisfying.
- We can make some money off of this? -And see justice served.
- Right, Marcie? -When you go down there...
...and you've broken their spines and snapped their arms like little twigs...
...and they're truly helpless, then I'll come in.
I'll come in with just a mere old-fashioned can opener.
And I'll do things to them...
...that'll make the devil himself vomit.
Or we could sue.
- How much do you think we can get? -$1,000,000 isn't out of the question.
A million? Al, we hardly do anything together anymore. Let's sue.
-It'd be kind of embarrassing. -$1,000,000, Al.
Do you know what that means to you? $5000.
We should've just beat the hell out of these people.
It's $1,000,000. How else will we get $1,000,000? You earn it?
Now, just relax and be outraged.
How lovely. New meat.
- Who's that? -The attorney for the defence.
Where's our lawyer?
You're looking at him.
It's me, you idiot.
I figure this is an open-and-shut case. A lawyer takes 30%. That's 300,000.
That leaves us only 700,000. After taxes, we get squat.
Now, trust me. I know what I'm doing.
Where's everybody going?
We're standing for the judge, Mr. Darrow.
This court is now in session.
We will be hearing Rhoades and Bundy v. The Hop On Inn.
We will now hear opening statements.
Hello, everyone.
Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop On Inn...
...to indulge in a little clean marital fun.
On separate occasions, of course.
During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities...
...the reaffirmation of the love we share...
...and whatever the Bundys were doing...
...our conjugal privacy was invaded. We were violated by video cameras.
You should hear some background that's germane to this case.
My grandfather came to this country a poor man.
Then in World War ll, my Uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs...
...with venereal disease than six armour divisions...
And then they tape us having sex.
And that concludes my opening statement.
Your Honour?
- Thank you. -You're welcome.
- Ms. Weigel, any opening statements? -The defence passes for the moment.
Good move, girlie.
Mr. Rhoades, call your first witness.
Your Honour, my only witnesses are exhibits A and B.
You have the tapes? You're not going to show those?
$1,000,000, Marcie.
Doesn't my honour mean more to you than $1,000,000?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A.
And, the end.
Thank you.
Honestly, it was nothing. No, really.
And now exhibit B.
The subpoenaed tape of Mr. and Mrs. Bundy.
And, the end.
In conclusion, I'm sure it's obvious that our privacy was, indeed invaded.
And so, we deserve $1,000,000.
I rest my case.
Ms. Weigel.
I'd like to call my first witness to the stand. Mrs. Marcie Rhoades.
Mrs. Rhoades...
...had you ever been to the Hop On Inn before?
Yes. Once or twice.
- We can't hear you. -I said once or twice.
- Need I subpoena the desk clerk Guido? -30 or 40 times.
30 or 40 times. Well, I suppose that's normal.
Mrs. Rhoades, are you wearing underwear?
Two pairs.
- And are they both crotchless? -Yes. Damn you.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this woman from that tape...
...look like she's been wronged by anyone but her husband?
- I object. -Sure, when she picks on you.
Where were you during the underwear examination?
You weren't deceived. You knew that camera was there all along.
- What kind of woman do you think I am? -Let's just see, shall we?
- Look familiar? -No!
Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
Get out of my sight. You make me sick.
I'd now like to call to the stand Mr. Al Bundy.
You did put on clean underwear today, didn't you, Al?
Mr. Bundy, on what grounds are you suing?
Well, my wife's sick of poverty...
...and she told me she'd give me $5000.
- That's it? -Then there's that outrage thing.
Let's once again view that arousing performance...
...you claim that my client is capitalizing on.
I'm feeling relaxed here, and I'm breathing good.
There's the foreplay.
And once again, I finish first.
I'd now like to call Mrs. Bundy.
Mrs. Bundy, did you have sex with your husband at the Hop On Inn?
Yes.
May I remind you the penalty for perjury is seven years in prison...
...where, I assure you, you will have sex.
All right.
Well, it may not be sex to you, but it is to me.
Just because you have husbands that last long enough to time an egg...
...doesn't mean that what Al does doesn't count.
You may step down.
Is a crumb not a banquet for a starving person?
- You may step down. -ls a fig leaf not clothing for the naked?
Please, step down.
- You can't do this to Al. -Remove this woman.
He'll lose what little confidence he already has.
You were great, baby. Please, please, don't listen to her. Don't give up.
You are a macho man. God!
- Has the jury reached a verdict? -Yes, we have, Your Honour.
We, the jury, award punitive damages of $10,000 to Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
On the grounds that their privacy was, indeed, invaded.
- Not bad, huh, babe? -Curdle and die.
And, as for the Bundys, no sex, no money.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This court is now adjourned.
Well, Al, at least we still have each other.
Peg, come with me.
- Where are we going? -Come here a minute.
- What, Al? -Hurry up. Come on.
Get down in there.
Like this, Al?
Yeah, like that.
Now, was that sex or was that sex?
That was sex, Al. And you know, if we had been on tape...
...we would have made $1,000,000.
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